A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large,beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Fred."

Below is a conversation on telephone between a boy who is impersonating his father, with his teacher.

Boy : Hello.

Teacher: Hello.

Boy: Is this Miss A?

Teacher: Yes.

Boy: Miss A, my son, boy boy will not be able to attend school today.

Teacher: Oh I see, may I know who am I speaking to?

Boy: My father.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen the peaches and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

A man with a terrible illness prays to God every day to win the lottery so he can take care of his wife after he dies. Eventually, he passes away and when he stands before God, he asks, "God, I asked you every day for me to win the lottery so I could leave my wife in good shape. Why did you scorn me?" To which God answers, "I had your winning numbers picked out for you, but you never bought a ticket."

The wife says: You want.
The wife means: You want.

The wife says: We need.
The wife means: I want.

The wife says: It's your decision.
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious!

The wife says: Do what you want.
The wife means: You'll pay for this later!

The wife says: We need to talk.
The wife means: I need to complain.

The wife says: Sure... go ahead.
The wife means: I don't want you to.

The wife says: I'm not upset.
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron!

The wife says: You're ... so manly.
The wife means: You need a shave and a shower.

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights.
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient.
The wife means: I want a new house.

A pregnant woman from Washington DC who's involved in a car accident falls into a coma.

When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Q: Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 15 times each drive by,
how many drive by shootings must he conduct before he shoots 50 people?

A: Johnny hits 15*(4/10) people per drive by, which means that he will have to participate in 9 drive bys to
shoot 50 people. However, he will have completed two drive-by shootings and be just starting the third when
he has to reload. Since he only stole a single clip, he'll only have shot 16 people when the homeboys with the UZIs' make
Swiss cheese out of him.

Q: Pony has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram.
What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

A: At 454 grams per pound, 2oz of the rock = 56.75 grams. An "8 ball" is 8 grams, so pony has sold 10 grams total and
has 46.75 grams left. If he keeps selling 8-balls, he can sell 5 more (for a total of 5*$320=$1,600) and have 6.75
grams for his own nose. If he sells 2 gram packs, he can sell (46/2-23) packs at $85 apiece = (23*$85)=$1,955.
However, he could divide it into small parts, bake it up into crack and sell the rocks for an even larger profit.
This problem is really more suited for the Gang Multi-Variable Economics Test.

Q: Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen two BMWs and three 4x4s,
how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800?

A: Willie has made 2*$200 + 3*$100=$700 dollars from his theft so far.
He needs $100 more, so he needs to steal $100/$50=2 more
Chevy's. However, he will probably want to steal 4 Chevy's so he can take the extra two and make a really def
low-rider.

Q: If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the average letter is 4 square feet, how many letters
can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

A: 3 cans of paint will cover 3*22=66 square feet. 66/4=16 letters with a little paint left over to spray in the eyes of the cop
who's comin' after you. Or the tagger could do 15 letters and a @*&$!in' skull.

Q: Hector got six girls in his gang pregnant. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has
Hector knocked up?

A: 6/27=22% of the girls. However, 2 of them are lying because they've been sleeping with Pedro, Hector's lieutenant.
So, in actuality, Hector only knocked up 4/27 or 14.8%.

Q: Ron is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so
Ron can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

A: 800/$64=12 tricks plus a dance. Also, Ron should consider making a deal with Pony from Question #2.

Q: Susan wants to cut her 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will she need?

A: If she sells the cut heroin at the same price per unit volume, she will need 20% more volume.
20% of 1/2 pound (=8oz) is 1.6oz. So, Susan will need 1.6oz of cut to add to the 8 oz of heroin to get 20%
more volume. She will want a cut which looks similar to raw heroin and has approximately the same melting point.
Plain sugar or laundry detergent are suggested. Laundry detergent has the added benefit of removing the possibility of
customer complaints, but will sharply limit repeat business.

Q: Little Willy is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $25,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $250 per
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the @*&$! that
spent his money?

A: 6 years*12 months/year*$250/month=$18,000. Little Willy will have $25,000 - $18,000 = $7,000 left when he gets
out of prison. If Little Willy kills her in the USA, he should expect to get 6 years. However, if he takes her down to
Mexico and buries her scrawny, track-marked butt in the desert, he can get off scott free.

Q: Rosie's sole source of income is shoplifting. If she gets 10 cents on the dollar from her fence,
how much merchandise must she shoplift each week to make $250.

A: Solve X/10=250 for X, X=$2,500.


Q: Mike carjacked a Chevy Camaro for his date Saturday night with his young 14 year old girlfriend.
He was arrested that night while making his girlfriend in the backseat.
How much prison time is he looking for for the carjacking and for statutory rape, even though the girl looked legal?
Assume no prior convictions in arriving at your answer.

A: Mike is only 12 so he will serve no time and will be making put with his girlfriend in the lot in someone else's car next Saturday.

There are 70 ways to satisfy a woman

One is to take her shopping.

The other is 69

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.





I told you so ... And there's nothing you can do about it!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes
out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she
has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm
doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her
Boobs.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or %$*$*$
cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have
sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came
here in the first place."