A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big #$$$."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?" "Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

Dave, John and Sam were involved in a horrific car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven, Saint Peter came up to them and said,

'You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds and will have your transport chosen accordingly'

Saint Peter looked at Dave.
'You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times. For this you will drive around heaven in an old, beat-up Skoda.'

Next Saint Peter looked at John.
'You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this you will forever travel through heaven in a Lada station wagon.'

Saint Peter finally looked at Sam.
'You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex before marriage and you never cheated on your wife. For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.'

A short time later, John and Dave pulled their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying.

'What's wrong Sam?' they asked. 'You got the Ferrari. You're set forever. Why so down?'

Sam looked up ever so slowly, opened his mouth and cried,
'I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.'

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

" This is a true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao by China Southern Airlines: "


"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking. On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like
to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not
know. It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any
resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and
my gals are available to make you feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt
tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m. Hope you
would enjoy your fright with us. Funk kill."

Joined: 24 Aug 2005
Posts: 833



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24 June 2007 ? 10:47 PM Click Here to See the Profile for tys Edit Message Reply with Quote
A male whale and a female whale were swimming
off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale,
"Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time
and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough,
the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard
and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away
and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said,

"I went along with the blow job,
but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A woman recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she started talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me?
I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes,
she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you?

Here it comes.....!

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong Hole? What do you mean Wrong Hole?"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a pea*&#&. I was just wondering if you were my son."