With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where? "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?";

Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

A bunch of guys are in the locker room at their golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings, and one of the guys engages the

hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen....




MAN : Hello.

WOMAN : Honey, its me. Are you at the club?

MAN : Yes.

WOMAN : I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather

coat. Its only $1000. Its it okay if I buy it.



MAN : Sure...go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN : I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw

the new models. I saw one I really liked.

MAN : How much?

WOMAN : $ 90,000

MAN : Okay, but for that price with I want it with all the

options.

WOMAN : Great! Oh.... and one more thing......the house I

wanted last year is back on the market.

They're are asking $950,000.

MAN : Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of

$900,000

They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra

$50,000. It's a pretty good price.

WOMAN : Okay, I'll see you later.! I love you very so much !!

MAN : Bye! I love you, too.







He hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring

at him in astonishment, mouth agape.

The guy smiles and asks,

" Anyone know whose phone this is?

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
> >Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful
> >banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other
people she had loved and who had died before her.
> > >
> > >They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you!
> >We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
> > >
> > >When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
> >wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint
Peter told her.
> > >
> > >"Which word?" the woman asked.
> > >
> > >"Love."
> > >
> > >The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
> >Heaven. About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her
to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
> > >
> > >While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
> >"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
> > >
> > >"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
> >"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
> >ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you
> >and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all
> >around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing
> >today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
> > >
> > >"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
> > "Which word?" her husband asked.
> >
> > >"pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi ", she replied
> > >
> > >Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry...There will be Hell to
pay!

Wow, you sure got alot of jokes.

LoL. I like the teacher one.

Ya, the teacher one was pretty hilarious.

A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released.

He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do". He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed.

He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant. The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again."