There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!";

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and
are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several Nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their
last sins before they are made holy.

'And so,' says St. Peter, 'have you ever had any contact with a dick?'

'Well,' says the first Nun in line, 'I did once just touch the tip of
one with the tip of my finger.'

'OK' says St.Peter, 'Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on
into heaven.'

The next Nun admits that 'Well, yes, I did once get carried away and
I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.'

'OK' says St.Peter,'Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into
heaven.'

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front.

'Well now, what's going on here?' says St. Peter.

'Well, your excellency,' says the Nun who is trying to improve her
position in line, 'If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want
to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.'

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father."

"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two", says the father. The nun said, "I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?", asked father
"Anything father", replied the nun.
"I have never seen a woman's bre*sts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely bre*sts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and we can get the hell out of here."

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, 'My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'.

The second one chirps 'My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says 'your Grace'.'

The third Catholic lady says smugly, 'My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence'.'

The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, 'Well...?'

She replies, 'My son is a 6' 2' hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, 'Oh, my God...'

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street when they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father ?Daddy, what are they doing?? The father says, ?Making a puppy.? So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, ?Daddy, what are you doing?? The father replies, ?Making a baby.? The little boy says, ?Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!?

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him,

"Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality

Howard, You're a veterinarian.

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead.

Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!

After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.

Joe said ?There was this snake and he slithered across my feet, but I never screamed.

Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.?

?So then what did make you scream,? Bob asked, exasperated.

?Well,? Joe continued, ?two squirrels crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ?Should we take them home or eat 'em now???

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently, she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get
rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought
herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by the dick. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed
this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your
brother."