LoLz !!! How did you get so many?

from another forum which i haunt

here's another one:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.";
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

PRICELESS!!

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That
poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can
help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with
me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine
cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist: "Paint me with diamond ear-rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a gold Rolex."

The confused artist said: "But you're not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "But if I die before my husband,I'm sure my husband will remarry. And I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelery."

a mother told her daughter, when someone touches your bre@sts, say stop

when someone poked ur vagin@, say don't

then a rapist came, finger poked her vagin@ and touches her bre@sts

she said









"don't stop, don't stop, don't stop"







ps: sorry if this sounds explicit

but my friend told me this, and it's a laugh riot

Oh god.

Men should be very careful in conversation with their wives. A slip of tongue is all wife is looking for to get secret out of you.

WIFE: "What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed.";
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "****."

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about "@*@^^," and their "##*&$." The boy, confused by this, approaches his mother after school. "Mom, what's a pus5y?"

The mother, startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pu5sy."

The son then asks "What's a btch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a btch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pu5sy?"

The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out a copy of Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pus5y!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a btch?"

The dad replies, "Everything outside the circle."

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

A man is walking down the street and he hears in his head. "Stop! If you take one more step you will die!"

The man stops and a brick lands at his feet.

He keeps walking not watching where he was going and the voice says again.

"Stop! If you take one more step you will Regret it for the rest of your life!" The man stops and a lorry comes roaring by almost hitting him.

He thinks to himself "Who is telling me this?" The voice answers

"You won't believe this but, I am your Guardian Angel and I am here to protect you." The man thinks to himself

"Where the Hell were you on my Wedding Day?"