A Pakistani comes to America and begins working for the ACLU but is unfamiliar with American advances in toiletry. On his first day on the job he comes back from the men's room saying he can't find any hole in the ground. His boss explains how American plumbing works and sends the Pakistani back.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream shakes the office walls. His boss runs into the bathroom to investigate why he's screaming.

The Pakistani replies, "I am just sitting here on the toilet like you instructed to do and every time I am making to flush, something comes up and squeezes dearly on my poor testicles."

His boss looks at what he's sitting on and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket

A Muslim father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that my son, or Allah will strike you blind." The child says, "Abu, I'm over here."

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's Only $1,500! Can I buy it?"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like."
"Thanks Sweetie. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else... It might sound like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have enough in the bank to cover the down payment."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later! I love you!"
"Bye. I love you too."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and calls out:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Fred: My promotion has been pending since August of last year. Can I know what is the status now?

Manager: Er... I have been following it up with the Human Resource deparment. It seems that they have lost your promotion letter. But there is no problem, I have re-submit the promotion request to them.

Fred: Will the salary adjustment be back dated to August? As I was supposed to be promoted during that time.

Manager: Er.. No. This year's promotion request is only limited to this year's salary adjustment. I am sorry but this is the company's policy.

Fred: But, losing that promotion letter is not my fault and I am penalised for the management's screw up.

Manager: Yes, but there are rules that we have to follow. Look at the bright side, you are not the only one whose promotion letter got lost.

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom, and I"m St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.you've got to send me back Straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense! feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've sh!t in the bed"

I like the pictures. Some jokes are very similar to old ones.

A blonde goes in to a barber store with headphones one. She sits down to have a hair cut but didn't take off the headphones. The barber begins cutting but soon needed to take off the blonde's headphones to continue, so he took it off and finished cutting her hair.
To the barber's surprise, he realized that the blonde had died. He took her headphones and put it in his own ears to hear:
"Breathe in, Breathe out, Breathe in, Breathe out........"

ooo lol

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

i was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger














































































and then it hit me

two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
GOD is missing, and they think we did it