The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No."

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed,

"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Did you hear about the busload of teachers?
The good news:the bus crashed
The bad news:there were 3 empty seats

A new teacher was trying to impress his pupils.He stood up in front of the class and said,'Would anyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up.'After a long silence and a lot of shuffling,a boy got to his feet.'Well,good morning,'said the teacher.'So you really think you are a fool?'The boy answered,'No sir,I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'

Freddy: Please Teacher,can I urgently go to the toilet?
Teacher:Recite the alphabet first
Freddy:ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ
Teacher:very good,but wheres the letter p?
Freddy:Running down my leg.

An American man goes to a restuarant in Italy.When the waiter comes to take his order,he tells him he wants 2 pieces of toast.After 10 minutes,the waiter gives the man 1 piece of toast.The American,realising that it was not what he wanted,tells the waiter:'Excuse me,I told you I wanted 2 pieces of toast,'the waiter nods his head and goes off.After a short while,the chef comes to the American man's table,looking very cross.'Sir,IF YOU WANT TO PEE ON YOUR TOES,GO TO THE TOILET!"

A preschool teacher is having a lesson on colors. She has an intuitive curriculum, and wants to get her students thinking. She starts off saying, "I am thinking of a green vegetable. What is it?" A boy says "Brocolli" and the teacher says, "No, it was a green pepper. But it's good to see that you're thinking."

Then she says, "I am now thinking of a yellow fruit. What is it?" A girl says "A lemon" and the teacher says, "No, it was a banana, but it's good to see that you're thinking."

Dirty Ernie says, "I've got a good one, teach. What's in my pants, is long, hard, and has a pink end?" "ERNIE!!!" shrieks the teacher, "IT BETTER NOT BE WHAT I'M THINKING OF!!!" and Dirty Ernie says, "No, it's a pencil, but it's good to see that you're thinking."

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. !%@*, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

An atheist was walking through the woods.


"What majestic trees"!


"What powerful rivers"!


"What beautiful animals"!


He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.


He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"


Time Stopped.


The bear froze.


The forest was silent.


As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.


"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?


The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?


"Very Well," said the voice.


The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &


spoke:


"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:'You got Male!'"

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....