The world one day decided to settle which one is the best religion. and the one who wins will be the one used for all mankind (and womankind).

after the eliminations, they were left with 3 to compete for the title of sole global religion.

on top of a high mountain: the muslim high priest, the buddhist dalai lama and the catholic pope were preparing for the last test. the final test was that each should jump and pray their greatest prayer to save them from certain death.

the first one to go was the muslim. he jumped. started reciting the koran. halfway down, he was still falling so he recited louder. a few meters from the ground, still falling, he started screaming at allah. then a few seconds laters, he was splat on the ground. the muslims in the crowd were disraught, seeing their religion out of the competition.

then the next one jumped. the buddhist. calmly he assumed the lotus position, beads in hand. started reciting, amida buddha... buddha.. buddha... then he started to float halfway down the fall. and glided down to safety. the buddhist supporters cheered.

the pope was under pressure. this was it, so he jumped. he started by praying the rosary. but he was still falling fast. he took out the bible and began reading passages. still gravity was pulling him down to earth fast. oh my god.. oh my god save meeeee. he screamed when he saw that he was just a few meters before he becomes earth stain. seeing that it might be the end...

...he goes into a lotus position and started reciting.. buddha.. buddha... buddha...

There was this party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Eeeeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!)

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think about that?"

The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I was going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

CITY OF DETROIT HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ Crib _________________

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Darius wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. LeRoy got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."

"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."

Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"

"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"

"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."

"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."

"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"

"Aye, Angus, then what?"

"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"

"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."

"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."

Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said.

So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any public hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself"

the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mooff. When the husband got back in, she asked: "Did you see?" "Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the (censored)ing darts team hadn't!"

Instructions
Read each question carefully.
Answer all questions.

Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

History
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise & specific.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the difference in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment and repressed frustration of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, and Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man?s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticise this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

General Knowledge.
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

WTF? U expect me to read that?! XD

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he anounced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle." He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought another skin. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308." He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.

Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug.

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."