On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golf pro is.

?Mornin? bye? says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick ?hello? and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

?What are dey den, son?? asks the attendant.

?They?re called tees? replies Tiger.

?Well, what on de good earth are dey for?? inquires the Newfie.

?They?re for resting my balls on when I?m driving? says Tiger.

?Freeckin Jaysus? says the Newfie, ?Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything?.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?", she asked.

"They're mating", her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"It's called a Daddy Longlegs", her father said.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?", the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, He replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then, raised her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."

"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated ."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done." replies Arthur.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.

"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that Doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my better judgement!"

So, Arthur has his operation and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand.

Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there." says Arthur.

"It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the other patient, "I finally decided after 67 years that I would like to be circumcised ."

Arthur stared at him in horror... "OH SHIT! THAT'S THE WORD!!"

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, 'me feet are freezing mate, could you nip up stairs and fetch me slippers?'

'No bother' says Murphy, and runs upstairs.

There, sat on their bed, are Paddy's stunning 19 yr old twin daughters. 'Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fuck off ya liar' they said.

'I'll prove it' says paddy. So he shouts down the stairs 'Both of them Pat?'

'Course' he says 'What's the use of (censored)ing 1 of them?'

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic .........

........... but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Mother was scolding the daughter, I don't like the guy you are going out with. He looks too dumb!

"No Momma," she said, "He is going to be a Doctor and he has already cured me of that bleeding illness that I used to have every month."

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids.

She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places.

When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."

Two buddies were talking about a big date Scott had the previous night.

"So, Scott, how did it go last night?" John asked.

"It was terrible," Scott grumbled. "From the moment we got back to her place, the phone started ringing. There had to have been no less than twenty calls from guys wanting to take her out. It was non-stop and we never got started."

Trying to comfort him, John replied, "I'm sure it could have been worse, Scott. Look at it this way, a young, attractive woman is allowed to have her phone number in the phone book, isn't she?"

"Yeah, of course, John," Scott said, "but in the Yellow Pages?!?"