A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

rude but funny...

LOL!

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big bloody red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

lol jj

where do you get your jokes anyway...

From the Internet. xD

man that is tiring...

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

hehehee

wtf

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God shook His head and said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

As she regained consciousness and recovered, she decided to extend her stay in hospital to have a face-lift, liposuction, $^#^&# implants, change hair colour and whiten her teeth! Since she had so much time left to live, she figured that she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, the woman left the hospital. But while she was crossing the road, she was run over by an ambulance. Arriving to face God, the woman demanded, "I thought you had said that I had another 43 years plus more to live? If so, wht didn't you pull me away from the path of the on-coming ambulaance?"








God replied,"I didn't recognise you."