Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he?d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he?s walking with a limp.

?What happened to you?? asks Sean, the bartender.

?Jamie O?Connor and me had a fight,? says Paddy.

?That little shit, O?Connor?? says Sean, ?He couldn?t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.?

?That he did,? says Paddy, ?a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin? he gave me with it.?

?Well,? says Sean, ?you should have defended yourself. Didn?t you have something in your hand??

?That I did,? said Paddy, ?Mrs. O?Connor?s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.?

A preacher, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.
One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she
was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy
standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy
noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be
your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking
at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,
Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?
Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over
there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,

"I'm the bloody goalie."

Things You Don't wan to hear Over Airline P.A



1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

14. Drinks are on me...

15. I'll have what the Captain's having...

16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cock-atiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"

The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"

Three woman always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

One day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come it is, when it rains your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, ?Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!?

The teacher replied, ?Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ?urinate.? Please use the word ?urinate? in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.?

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, ?You?re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you?d be a ten!!!?

A burly construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy's c0ck, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?"

The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover,
"Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass.
He feels all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass.
He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."
Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

1)A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential.Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.Your friend over there is also my son, that's confidential!"

2)A women asks man who is travelling with six children,"Are all these kids yours??"The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

3)A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"

4)Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

5)What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

6)What is the definition of Mistress?Someone between the Mister and Mattress

7)Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends