A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.
In the driver?s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver?s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing.

The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, ?My name is John and that?s my girlfriend in the back seat.?

?OK, so what are you doing?? asked the officer.

?What does it look like?? John answered. ?I?m reading a magazine.?

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, ?And what?s she doing??

John looked over his shoulder and replied, ?What does it look like? She?s knitting, sir.?

?And how old are you?? the officer asked John.

?I?m 25,? John replied.

?And how old is she?? asked the officer.

John looked at his watch and said, ?Well sir, in 12 minutes she?ll be 18.?

Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually he didn't even know the differences of the male and female anatomy).
Aminah got tired of waiting, took off all her clothes one night and lied on the bed. Ali was shocked seeing a naked Aminah. He was more shocked that Aminah had lost her penis.

Ali contacted his neighbour, a doctor.
"Please fix it back for her!!!
Mesti jahit betul betul!!! (Must sew properly!!!)
The doctor asked to be alone with Aminah, took advantage of the situation and had his rounds of fun with Aminah.

After the doctor leaves, Ali enters the room again and found the penis still unattached.
He touched where the penis is supposed to be affixed and felt something sticky.

"Celaka punya doktor, saya suruh dia jahit dia taruh gam!!!
(The bastard doctor, ask him do sewing, he go and put glue!!!)

Driver : Nak ke mana cik? (Where u wan to go miss?)

Penumpang : Saya nak ke bandar Sunway. Dekat jer, rumah saya kat Jalan Puki Mak U Lah... (I want to go Sunway city. near my house at Jalan Puki Mak U Lah)

Driver : Cik, kita ni orang Melayu. Tak boleh ke gunakan bahasa yang lebih sopan. (Miss, we are Melay. Can u use more polite lauguege)

Penumpang : Nak sopan macam mana lagi bang. Dah memang itu nama jalannya. (How u want me to be polite brother. It is a real road name.)

Driver : %$#@&*

btw, puki means pu**y in malay

If Microsoft operated Restaurants;

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

The Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Bush. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Suzanne ... I'm Ellen."

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me one dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get ten dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

"I know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to climb up a palm tree, and ten seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out ten dollars and gives it to the farmer.

"I don''t know. What has three legs, takes ten hours to get up a palm tree and ten seconds to get back down?"

The farmer takes the ten dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out one dollar and hands it to the scientist.

"I don''t know."

Mulan was called to the war again as a replacement for her dad....

During the battle with the enemies, her period came and stained her pants.... she was eventually overwhelmed by the exhaustion and fainted.....

When she came to, she was in the sick bay and the medic was attending to her.

Mulan: Wad happened, why am i here?

Medic: oooo u were in the battle and we found u fainted amongst the corpse... unfortunately....ermmm....they...they....they.... sliced off ur dic and your pants was badly stained with blood.....

Mulan: (thinking to herself) phew.... luckily they din find out i am a girl.....

Medic: ...... but you were lucky we found a replacement and stitched it back for ya.......

A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him
"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"


He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"


"Nonsence how can you be so precise"


"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise For answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said"I have a praise.

Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."

She continued"Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move Caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation.

They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and Wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued"Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to Say

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said"Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the word is STERNUM."